a recurring theme in all of this is inevitable disappointment. in my own mind, the me of yesterday was always careless, naive, stupid, childish, selfish and disgusting. every squandered chance to wash away the grit of the past left me feeling ever more like a failure. and so we go down the rabbit hole. (but don't give up on me yet!)
that brings me to today. looking out the bus window, i started giving myself a little pep talk, but not a particularly familiar one. this was not the self-hating downer of a voice telling me that this time i can really fool them all into thinking i'm someone worth knowing. this was a voice reminding me to stay strong and to stay true to myself in what will surely be a strange and trying new experience. tomorrow morning i will meet my graduate cohort, many of whom i can imagine were pioneers in arts education when i was still that confused seventh-grader staining my bathtub blue with dye in a futile attempt to hate everything less. these are smart people, aggressive people, accomplished people, personable people. these are people i find intimidating and inspiring, and i am already so grateful to be among them. but for the first time in my life, i don't want to fall victim to the temptation of trying, at the last minute, to reconstruct an image of myself that is somehow more appealing or likable. i have flaws a-plenty. sometimes i stutter, i misspeak, i blank out and can't find words. mostly i am not the smartest person in the room. mostly i am not the prettiest person in the room, or the nicest. but it's awesome that i actually don't mind being just lindsay for a while, just the lindsay i am. i am a work in progress, i am still becoming, and i'm okay.
